Pain and anxiety

The last couple days have been up and down for me. I never got very sick feeling from the treatment, but I have been feeling its effects in the pain department. The pain, which I'll refer to as "chemo pain" are very sharp pain that hit all of a sudden in random places. They may or may not last very long. One minute I'll be OK, and then all of a sudden I'll feel pain somewhere, like my knee. Then I might feel it in my collar bone, or in my tailbone. Very sporadic and fast. Sarah describes it as feeling like a voo doo doll, and I would agree. It also seems like the pain I get in my back and chest from a herniated disc I have is amplified and occurs much more often. I've been trying to manage but I may need to call the hospital today and see what, if anything, can be done to help the pain.

With the pain from the chemo, pain in my hip from the bone marrow biopsy, plus my normal back pain, and the fact that I'm trying to be careful with the port they put in me, sleeping comfortably hasn't been much of an option the past few days. Monday night ended up being a horrible night for me, maybe one of the worst nights of my life. I just could not get comfortable and then the anxiety struck. I could not stop thinking and worrying about the port they put in me. I kept imaging that I would turn my neck too far or stretch my arm too much and that somehow the catheter tube that connects the port to my vein in my chest was going to come apart and separate. I know its highly unlikely and I'm sure these things are safe, but it's an odd feeling to know that you have something man-made inside your body connected to things. I was awake all night long with fear. I watched as the clock showed how long I had been laying there, trying to get to sleep. Pretty soon, it was after 4:30am and I could see the sky starting to get lighter. I had literally been awake all night, scared. Sometime after 5am I sat up in bed and just started crying. That's when Maria woke up, worried something was wrong. I told her what was going on and she did her best to calm me down. She is always very good at that. Eventually I was able to fall asleep for very short periods. I probably slept for 10-15 minutes at a time and would wake up for a few minutes in between. I knew I was meeting our friend Kim for lunch at 11am, and I didn't want to cancel, so I got up around 9:30am for good.

After not getting much sleep and walking around for a couple hours with Kim, I was exhausted. I knew I shouldn't have trouble falling asleep last night so long as the anxiety would hold off and if I could find a position that wasn't too painful. Maria worked with me for close to an hour last night trying to help me get comfortable. I tried lying in different positions and Maria arranged and rearranged pillows under and around me. Eventually I somehow fell asleep.

I have an appointment to have the port checked tomorrow morning. Hopefully I can keep my anxiety at bay until then. They will most likely confirm everything is fine and I'm going to ask questions about the things that have been worrying me.