Eleven down, six more

Things have been going really smoothly so far. I am in and out of treatment in 15 minutes or less each day and I have been able to do whatever I feel like doing.

At this point the only side effect I am experiencing is a sore throat, which was to be expected. It started out pretty mild about 4 or 5 days ago, but has been getting progressively worse. It's not unbearable, however certain times are painful. When I sneeze, it feels like part of my throat and the inside of my ear are being ripped out. It's not nice, and I've been sneezing a lot lately due to allergies. I also felt my throat hurting when I ate breakfast yesterday. I made the mistake of eating toast, and the dry, rough bread didn't feel so nice going down.

Luckily, I saw Dr. Siker and Dr. Gore after treatment. Dr. Siker was more friendly and calm than at our first meeting. I enjoyed talking to her for those few minutes. When I told her about the sore throat, she gave me a prescription for a numbing solution that I can take before eating. She also told me to take Tylenol for the pain. I first used the solution before dinner last night. It's a combination of several ingredients, one of which is lidocaine. It feels odd because it does make the parts it touches numb, so for awhile, I could feel that tingling numbness on my tongue, lips, and the back of my mouth. It did help though, because I was able to eat dinner without any issues. It doesn't taste the best, but it's not awful either. The solution has a slight minty taste to it and has a creamy consistency - probably to better coat the throat.

I'm so glad that I only have six more radiation treatments left. This will be done soon and I can return to a somewhat normal life again.

My new look

I really lost a lot of hair during chemo - not all of it - but a lot. Every day I have hair in my hands after shampooing, my towel is full after drying off, and there is hair all over the bathtub, sink, floor, etc. My pillow and even the headrests in our car have my hair all over them!

Although I'm now done with chemo, I know it will probably take awhile for my hair to start growing back in and I just couldn't stand the way it looked any longer. I normally have a thick head of hair that I style to ensure I leave the house looking good. Since starting chemotherapy, my hair, especially the top, is so thin that just trying to style it and make it look decent each day was a frustrating experience. So on Tuesday, I finally took the plunge and had my hair buzzed off.

my new (and hopefully temporary) look

In the photo, it may look like I have a normal amount of hair still, but I really don't. In person, you can see tons of my scalp. I can't say that I love my new look, but it will be less irritating for the time being. Plus, I do have my cool fedora to wear as needed.

Moving on to the next phase of treatment

Last Friday I had my last chemotherapy treatment. I am so happy that phase is over. While the last treatment wasn't as bad as the previous one, I did still throw up at the hospital immediately after it was over. I can envision the nausea and other side effects only getting worse as time goes on, so I'm glad to be done with chemo.

Yesterday I had my radiation planning appointment. It went smoothly. I talked to the resident doctor, Dr. Wood for a bit. He explained the planning process again and we talked a bit about side effects and other questions I had. He mentioned again that the chance of getting another cancer from the radiation is .25% per year. Because I'm relatively young (I sure don't feel like it anymore!) that means in 20 years, I'll have a 5% chance and in 40 years a 10% chance.

During the actual planning session, I laid on the table of a CT machine while the radiation technicians got me into place and made various markings, took measurements and photos. They even took a photo of my face just for the purpose of visual identification - so they can physically see that they are giving radiation to the right person.

Part of the preparations included them making a mold of my face. A technician took a warm plastic mesh with a hard frame on three sides and stretched the mesh down over my face and chin and connected it to the cradle on the table where my head was laying. Although I was trying to keep my eyes closed (the stretchy mesh kept pulling them open), I was able to see and breathe through the holes in the mesh. I was warned that some people have claustrophobic issues when this is done, but I didn't experience that. Once in place, the mesh was cooled off to help it harden and keep its shape.

Once everything was ready, they scanned me using the CT machine - with the mesh mask still keeping me in place. The doctor will use the images from the CT scan to determine how to set up the radiation so that it radiates the areas that should receive it and avoids other areas as much as possible. I was also marked in three places with a blue marker - one on my chest and one on each side near the top of my ribs. The markings were covered with clear stickers to help keep from washing off. These markings, along with the mask, will help them ensure that I am lined up properly every day.

After the planning was over, the nurse practitioner wanted to talk to me more about side effects. She gave me a booklet with details as well as some special lotion and special mouthwash. The lotion is for the area of my skin that gets radiated, because it will start to look sunburned over time. The radiation from the sun is how people get a tan or sunburned, so the effects of the radiation treatments are similar.

I was given my first appointment for radiation. It starts October 5th and will continue every weekday for 3.5 to 4 weeks. That gives me just over a week of normalness before the next phase of my cancer treatment starts. Although going to the hospital every day will suck, at least it will be over in a month and I'll (hopefully) be cancer-free and back to a normal life in time for the holidays.

Why doesn't alcohol come in other scents?

My treatment last Thursday SUCKED! Chemo days are always long days, but in addition to treatment, I was also seeing my oncologist. I'm not sure what it was exactly, but I threw up several times that day. I went in at noon to have my blood drawn for lab work as usual. I was a bit nervous because more often than not, they have trouble accessing my port and the fact that I nearly threw up from the saline and/or heparin they push through it during my previous treatment. I noticed immediately that just the smells of the hospital, such as alcohol wipes or alcohol-based cleaning products or "clean" as Maria calls the smell, starts making me feel queasy. (Note to Self: Start bringing spray air freshener along to treatments.) I explained to the nurse how I nearly tossed my cookies two weeks earlier so she agreed to push the saline in slowly. It helped, but I did still taste it, especially at the end when she had to push faster to clear the blood out of the IV line. After the saline flush, they inject heparin, which helps prevent blood clots from forming in the port line. The heparin tastes like the saline, only worse. I made it out of the lab without vomiting, although I could tell I was not out of the clear yet.

We had almost an hour until I saw Dr. Fenske so Maria and I left the hospital and went to Bruegger's Bagels nearby so I could eat lunch. I thought I would be fine, but it hit me in the parking lot before we went inside to eat. I threw up. Luckily, not much came up since I had barely eaten anything for breakfast. The good thing was that the parking lot was behind the store, so I wasn't vomiting on Wisconsin Ave. at least. I was embarrassed a bit though when I saw a couple people come around the corner to the lot just in time to witness me puking. I probably ruined their lunch.

As usual, the doctor's office was behind. My appointment was scheduled for 1pm. I think the nurse practitioner, Julie, came in around 1:45pm. She asked me the normal questions. I explained how I had been feeling like crap lately, even on the days where I normally feel great. She checked my blood test results and everything looked normal. I also told her how I was becoming more sensitive to the saline and heparin and how I threw up after having my blood drawn. She suggested I take a lorazepam prior to coming to chemo as nausea can be triggered by many things.

After Julie left the room, it was approximately 10 more minutes before Dr. Fenske came in to talk to me. He didn't really tell me anything new, but he did clarify the results from my last PET scan a bit. He said while the CT portion of the scan showed a small amount of cancer still, the PET scan was "negative." I asked if that meant that I was cancer-free. He didn't come right out and say I was cancer-free, but said that sometimes the CT scan shows lymph nodes that just stay swollen or possible scar tissue. He explained the PET scan shows "active cancer," which in my case, was negative. So that's good to know. Plus, I'll have had 4 more chemo treatments after that scan, so I should really be in good shape then. He set me up to have my next PET scan in the beginning of December, which will be around 6 weeks after I'm finished with radiation.

After my appointment with Dr. Fenske, we headed to chemo. Of course, even though we were late (due to the doctor's office running late), I still had to wait around a bit. The chemo itself went normally, but when it was almost over, I went to use the bathroom, and began throwing up. It really sucked and it just kept coming. When I was finished, the nurse gave me more fluids through my IV and ordered me some liquid lorazepam from the pharmacy to inject in me. Eventually we left and I laid down on the sofa almost immediately after getting home.

Later that night, I did not feel good whatsoever. I had the chills and was super cold. I took my temperature and it was 99.5, so I knew I had a touch of a fever. I fell asleep on the couch after awhile and woke up extremely hot and sweaty. I took my temperature again and it had rose to 100.3. I knew if it got to 100.5 or higher I would have to call the hospital, per their standard instructions. I started to cool down almost immediately after waking up though, so I didn't have to.

Since then, I've been trying to take it easy so that I don't feel so exhausted all the time. I think my usual schedule of feeling yucky for a week followed by a week of feeling normal has ended. I'm trying not to run myself down by doing too much, which is not always easy since I have stuff I want to or need to get done. The next few days won't be easy because we have our charity yard sale and lemonade stand benefiting the Leukemia & Lymphoma Society this Saturday and I still haven't started getting things together for it. But, I know in the end, it will come together somehow. Hopefully we will have a good turnout and good weather. My friend Jada is trekking down from Port Washington to join us. I'm really looking forward to it.

The good news for me is that I only have one more chemotherapy treatment left. I'm so happy because I can only imagine the chemo getting harder and harder to deal with from this point on. Even today, nearly a week after chemo, I still feel nauseous at times. Certain smells and thoughts trigger it. It was even hard to type some of this post at times. I know I still have radiation treatments coming soon, but at this point, I'm almost welcoming the change.

The last two weeks

Since my last treatment two weeks ago, I've been feeling pretty crappy at some point each day. It mainly comes at night. I feel very run down and exhausted as well as cold. I cover up with a blanket and have even been wearing a sweatshirt around the house. It seems like this started when the weather changed from warm summer to cool fall. I seem to be one of those people that is affected by drastic changes in the weather, but usually I only feel bad for a day or so. This has lasted well over a week - since last week Tuesday.

Maria, my parents and even my friend Patti Anne told me they think it's related to me trying to do too much too soon after my last treatment. They are probably right. We've been having our bathroom remodeled and last week I was running lots of errands and was in and out of multiple stores each day. On Saturday, we went to the zoo, then to dinner, and then out with friends to celebrate my earning of an Associate degree. On Sunday we attended my father-in-law's birthday party, then later that night and the next morning I painted our bathroom. Again, I felt like crap at some point each day. The last day or two I've been trying to take it easy and relax because I want to make sure I get my 2nd to last chemotherapy treatment tomorrow. I'm going to tell Julie, the nurse practitioner, how I've been feeling to see if she is concerned about it. I think its probably a combination of the cold yucky weather, running myself ragged, and maybe even a low white blood cell count.

I'm really looking forward to being done with chemotherapy. Although I was initially scared of getting radiation treatments, at this point, I'm OK with it and almost welcome the change. Although I know there are people having to go through worse chemotherapy treatments than the type I receive, this hasn't been a walk on the beach for me and the end cannot come soon enough.

Good news, disappointment, and a crappy day

Yesterday was my fifth chemo treatment. That would be Cycle 3, Day 1. I woke up unusually tired feeling that morning and as usual I was not looking forward to getting treatment. I'm always concerned about the nurses and techs having trouble with my port, I know that it's always a long day, I know that each chemo treatment brings me about a week of feeling like crap in various ways. I just hard to feel happy on those days. It really hit me when we were pulling into the Froedtert Clinical Cancer Center parking structure. That is when I felt most down about everything that was yet to come.

My lab work was scheduled for 11:30am. We got there a bit early and they called me in pretty fast. Must have been a slow day. Thankfully the tech had no trouble accessing my port, unlike the last two visits. What did affect me is the saline flush they do. They flush the port/line with saline from a syringe before they draw blood and then again afterwards. Every time, I can TASTE it. It is just an awful taste that I can't even describe. It sort of tastes like it smells - medicine-y. Some people say metallic-y. I don't go around tasting much metal so I can't say that's what it's like but either way its horrible. I've begun sucking on hard candy while they do it but it doesn't help much. Yesterday was the worst ever. When the tech flushed at the end of the blood work, I gagged. I had to force myself not to throw up instantly from the taste. It was really terrible.

After the lab, we had about 45 minutes before my appointment with Dr. Fenske. Maria and I shared an unhealthy lunch in the cafeteria. Nothing really looked good, so we got fried chicken with sides of macaroni & cheese and mashed potatoes w/gravy. They probably even shouldn't sell that fattening of food in a hospital, should they? The chicken was pretty tasty but the sides were bland. At least we were sharing one entree, so we didn't have to feel as bad about how unhealthy we were eating. Oh, we also topped it off by sharing a piece of Elegant Farmer Apple Pie. We couldn't resist. We've always wanted to try their pie, but never felt right spending $13 on a pie before. It was super delicious!

On to my appointment with the oncologist. First, they called us back late, and then it took awhile for Julie, the nurse practitioner to come into the room, and then after she left, the doctor came in. So the good news is, based on the PET scan I had the day before, the cancer has shrunk drastically. If I remember right, it's now something like 2cm x 1cm in size. The nurse and doctor seemed very pleased with the progress. On a side note, they also both are impressed that I still have a full head of hair. Of course, I lose a bunch everyday, but overall it still looks good - just thinner than normal.

The doctor also talked to me about my options for continuing treatment. I could go the normal, time tested approach of having less chemo followed by radiation -or- I could try the less tested approach of skipping radiation and just having more chemo treatments. I really wanted to avoid radiation if possible. There are risks to having radiation but there is also a slightly higher risk of having the cancer come back if I don't have the radiation. Since I told myself at the beginning of this that I would do what it takes to get rid of it, hopefully for good, I told him we should include radiation. I'll be seeing the radiation oncologist next Friday for a consultation. I think talking to him will help me truly decide if that is the best option for me or not. Since I still have 3 more chemo treatments to go through before radiation would start, I'm pretty sure I can still change my mind. A lot of it depends on where exactly they want to radiate. If its just my neck, that's one thing but if they want to do any lower, near my chest - that may be a deal breaker for me.

So even though I received good news about the cancer shrinking, I didn't feel happy about it. I think in my head I already worked out that the cancer would be amazingly gone already so I would just need to finish up the planned chemo and could skip radiation altogether. I realize that's not rational and I'm normally a very logical person, but it's just what I've been hoping for I guess. So finding out the cancer is still there, just much, much smaller and that I should still have radiation was disappointing somewhat.

Since the doctor appointment ran late, I was late checking in for chemo. The appointment was for 1:30pm, but I checked in around 1:50pm. You'd think they would have been ready and waiting for me to show up, but no. Instead, we sat around some more. They finally took us back to start around 2:30pm. I warned the nurse about my gagging on the saline flush earlier that day. I did OK when she flushed at the beginning of chemo but at the end of it when she flushed again, I nearly lost it. More than a gagging, I really had to control myself from throwing up. On the way out of the hospital, I stopped to use the restroom and I almost threw up in the sink while washing my hands. It really sucked. I felt nauseous for a long time. Just thinking about the saline taste would make me feel sick again. I had to keep my mind off it. Eventually with some fresh air, deep breathing, and trying not to think about it, I was OK. Maria and I ate dinner and ran to a few stores on the way home. After all that, I was just exhausted from the long, crappy day.

Band-aids and popsicles

At my treatment on Thursday, I saw my oncologist, Dr. Fenske and his nurse, Julie again. Julie asked all sorts of questions and I told her about all the different side effects/pains/feelings I had after each of the first two treatments. Nothing I told them about seemed to concern them, which I'll take as good. The doctor suggested I take the lorazepam they prescribed me for nausea for those nights when I'm feeling anxiety and having a hard time falling asleep since it will help any of those issue. They also said my lab tests looked good (liver, electrolytes, etc.). Of course my white blood cell counts were low, but that's expected. They seemed really happy that they could not visually see the cancer in my neck anymore and were also surpised that I still have a whole head of hair. I see them again in a month. I will have one more treatment and a PET scan before then, which will help them determine the progress of the cancer and chemo. I'm really hoping that the chemo will work on me so well that I won't have to have radiation therapy. If I need to, I of course will get it, but I really hope I won't need it.

I did have an issue after the chemo that freaked me out. Normally after the chemo, they put a band-aid over my port where the needle went in. Usually there is no blood or maybe one dot only. Well this time there was plenty of blood. The pad on the band-aid was soaked in blood and my undershirt had quite a bit soaked in as well. It wasn't bleeding anymore but I knew it wasn't normal. I worried the nurse that administered the chemo didn't do something right to "close up" the port or something. I also figured it could have been because of the nurse that put the needle in the port that morning. She missed the right spot and couldn't get blood to return, so she had to rearrange the needle inside my port a few times until the blood flowed. I called the hospital and an on-call doctor contacted me. He said to clean it up and bandage it. If it stopped bleeding then I was OK. If it keeps bleeding more than a little, then I would have to go to the ER because something is wrong. Well, it never bled again, so I just stayed home and hoped for the best. I thought about calling my doctor's office the next day for peace of mind but didn't. That's so unlike me.

This latest chemo treatment has really been taking it's toll on me. The first two days, which included my birthday on Saturday, were OK but not great. Like last time, my taste buds were extremely off. Nothing tasted right, or good for that matter. I drank mostly water those days because nothing else tasted good. Eating was hit or miss. Things didn't taste bad necessarily, just different and very mild. The main flavor I seemed to be able to taste was salt, so I'm sure I added more salt to things than necessary.

I also started feeling tired out sooner than I did before. After my first two chemo sessions, I started feeling tired on Sunday. This time, I already started feeling it a bit on Friday and for sure on Saturday. On Friday, I was already yawning by 8:00pm but we still went over by Kime & Frank's house and hung out with them and Sacha & Mark. I had a good time - it's nice when I can be out of our house, even if only to be at somebody else's house. On Saturday I slept in and then also took a nap in the early afternoon. I was really feeling tired. My dad, sister and nephew came over to visit for my birthday. We just sat outside in the nice weather and also played a game of ladderball. It was especially nice to see my nephew, since he is now 2 years old and I've only seen him one other time in the last year and a half. It's weird being called "Uncle Mike" because I'm so used to my cousins calling my dad that. Maria's nieces generally just call me "Mikey," although they know that I'm their uncle. Later on after everyone left, my mom and step-dad came over to grill out. I'm sure I was yawning all night, but still had a good time. I ate a small piece of grilled chicken, a huge grilled baked potato and some corn. The potato and corn really tasted good to me, even though I'm sure it was the extra salt I was mostly tasting.

Sunday and Monday were mostly spent with me lying around on the couch, watching TV and occasionally falling asleep. I just didn't feel up to doing anything. I felt the normal "chemo pain" in my body, although still milder than after my first treatment. I was also having really bad mouth pain. One of the side effects of the chemo is mouth sores because of the types cells the chemo kills. I can combat the pain by eating cold things like popsicles, but it still really hurt this time. I don't think I have any actual sores, just pain from the chemo.

Today, I was hoping to feel better than I do. I figured since the side effects started earlier, they might end earlier. While the mouth pain today is minimal compared to the last few days, I'm still really tired and run-down feeling. I knew I had to get to the store for a few basics like milk and bread, so that was my goal today. It took all the effort I had to get dressed and ready to go. At the store, it was really hard to walk around and push the cart. Although I was only there maybe 15 minutes, I had no energy to shop. I'm sure I was walking around at the pace of an elderly person. By the time I got home from the store, I was feeling exhausted. You would think I just ran a marathon. Even sitting here typing this blog post is a challenge. I keep taking short breaks from typing where I just sit back and sit still.

I have class tomorrow night, the first class of my last six-week course for my degree. I really wish it was over already. I already have homework due tomorrow that I haven't yet started. I just haven't been in the mood for school since this whole cancer ordeal began. At least the end is in sight for school, just not quick enough.

The sky is falling! Actually it's just my hair.

So yeah, last week my hair started falling out. I noticed around Tuesday or Wednesday. When I wash, dry or style my hair, I end up with tons of individual strands all over my hands, the sink, the towel, etc. I'm not sure yet what I'm going to do about it. I actually don't mind the fact that I'm losing my hair as much as I thought I would. I guess because I knew it would most likely happen. I also look at it as a normal part of the chemo process. Since my hair is falling out, the chemo must be working. The main bad part is just that it's messy. As mentioned, the hair gets everywhere, so that's annoying.

I'm not a hat guy. I never wear hats, not even baseball caps. I've always been one of those guys that spends more time making his hair look good than others. I guess growing up with a hair stylist mom did that to me. But I don't know what I would look like with no hair. I have a large head so I can't picture a shaved or bald head looking all that sexy, so I have a hat all picked out in the event I lose too much and shave the rest off. I'm at the point where I'm overdue for a haircut. I'm trying to decide if I should have it cut like normal and see what happens, or if I should just get rid of it now. The doctor said I may not lose all my hair, but it may just thin out some. I'll probably try to keep it as long as possible, so maybe I'll get a haircut on Friday.

Other than the hair thing, the last five days or so have been pretty good. I've felt like myself, no real pain or side effects, just all around good. We had a fun 4th of July BBQ with some good friends. I still get worried at night and have trouble falling asleep some nights, but the days have been really good.

Tomorrow is my 3rd treatment. I also get to see my oncologist tomorrow, which I'm happy about because I haven't seen him since the week before my 1st treatment when he told me I was stage 1A and laid out the treatment plan.

My 31st birthday is Saturday. No big plans for going out this year, just taking it easy at home after my treatment. My mom and step-dad are coming over to grill out and have promised to do all the prep and cooking. That will be nice. :)

It's 3am... I wish I was asleep...

Yes, I'm really blogging at 3am. I've been meaning to post an update for a couple days now but haven't, so since I was up anyways, I figured I might as well go for it.

So far, the effects of my second chemo treatment have been milder than the first. For the first day or two, I felt fine but I noticed my taste buds were completely off. Nothing I ate or drank tasted normal. For example, I made a pitcher of kool-aid that was very sweet to Maria but I thought just tasted OK. Things that should have been salty or garlicky just tasted bland to me, like they were underseasoned.

Sunday was my tired day again, spent laying around most of the day. Monday too pretty much. I also started to feel a bit of the chemo pains that I experienced last time. I was dreading Wednesday since the Wednesday after my first chemo was one of the worst days of my life pain wise.

Tuesday and Wednesday (yesterday now) I was less tired but more run down feeling. I could feel the chemo pains more but they never got horrible or unbearable, just uncomfortable at times. I think Tuesday was worse pain wise, but still so much milder than the last time. I'm hoping that's a sign that future treatments won't be so painful. The run down feeling has been worrying me because it sort of feels like when you are getting a cold. You know it's coming and there is nothing you can do to stop it. That's how I've felt for a few days now, but really no other symptom of getting a cold. I really need to do my best to avoid getting sick while going through the chemo treatments since my body will not be able to fight off an infection like normal.

That brings me to why I'm awake and blogging at 3am. Well, there is one side effect I haven't wrote about yet because it's probably a bit TMI (too much information) for most people, and not something I normally talk about to friends and family. STOP READING HERE if you really don't want to know about the effects chemo can have on one's ability to go to the bathroom, specifically what I've been experiencing.

Unfortunately the chemo seems to affect a person's bathroom routine drastically and I have been no exception. The first couple days after treatment not much happens in the #2 department for me. I feel the need to go, but it just doesn't happen. Every so often a tumbleweed passes by me. After a few days, the exact opposite happens and I am in and out of the bathroom so often that my mail starts getting delivered there! Eventually things start to go back to normal and then it starts all over again after the next treatment. So things were finally getting back to normal in that department, but I think the stir-fry I ate for dinner last night did not agree with me and I've been making frequent runs to the restroom ever since. I think I fell asleep for a little bit tonight but woke up hot and sweaty and also had to go to the bathroom again. Since I need to make sure I don't have a fever, I check my temperature everyday. The fact that I was hot and had an upset stomach coupled with frequent trips to the potty was concerning to me. I checked my temperature using an ear thermometer, that I'm convinced is never accurate, and it kept coming back in the low 97 degrees, even upper 96 degrees, but somewhat different each time. That seemed low and freaked me out, so I knew I needed to be more accurate and came downstairs to get the oral thermometer. I decided to post this update while waiting for the results. 97.3 and 97.5 degrees were the results of the two checks using the oral thermometer. A bit lower than usual, but it is a bit chilly in here being the middle of the night and all. WebMD says 97 (I'm assuming 97.0) or lower is hypothermia, so I hope I don't go any lower. I definitely don't have a fever which is good. Now that I'm done with this update, I'm going to attempt to go back to bed. Hopefully I can fall asleep as its now 3:52am and I'm tired.

Pain and anxiety

The last couple days have been up and down for me. I never got very sick feeling from the treatment, but I have been feeling its effects in the pain department. The pain, which I'll refer to as "chemo pain" are very sharp pain that hit all of a sudden in random places. They may or may not last very long. One minute I'll be OK, and then all of a sudden I'll feel pain somewhere, like my knee. Then I might feel it in my collar bone, or in my tailbone. Very sporadic and fast. Sarah describes it as feeling like a voo doo doll, and I would agree. It also seems like the pain I get in my back and chest from a herniated disc I have is amplified and occurs much more often. I've been trying to manage but I may need to call the hospital today and see what, if anything, can be done to help the pain.

With the pain from the chemo, pain in my hip from the bone marrow biopsy, plus my normal back pain, and the fact that I'm trying to be careful with the port they put in me, sleeping comfortably hasn't been much of an option the past few days. Monday night ended up being a horrible night for me, maybe one of the worst nights of my life. I just could not get comfortable and then the anxiety struck. I could not stop thinking and worrying about the port they put in me. I kept imaging that I would turn my neck too far or stretch my arm too much and that somehow the catheter tube that connects the port to my vein in my chest was going to come apart and separate. I know its highly unlikely and I'm sure these things are safe, but it's an odd feeling to know that you have something man-made inside your body connected to things. I was awake all night long with fear. I watched as the clock showed how long I had been laying there, trying to get to sleep. Pretty soon, it was after 4:30am and I could see the sky starting to get lighter. I had literally been awake all night, scared. Sometime after 5am I sat up in bed and just started crying. That's when Maria woke up, worried something was wrong. I told her what was going on and she did her best to calm me down. She is always very good at that. Eventually I was able to fall asleep for very short periods. I probably slept for 10-15 minutes at a time and would wake up for a few minutes in between. I knew I was meeting our friend Kim for lunch at 11am, and I didn't want to cancel, so I got up around 9:30am for good.

After not getting much sleep and walking around for a couple hours with Kim, I was exhausted. I knew I shouldn't have trouble falling asleep last night so long as the anxiety would hold off and if I could find a position that wasn't too painful. Maria worked with me for close to an hour last night trying to help me get comfortable. I tried lying in different positions and Maria arranged and rearranged pillows under and around me. Eventually I somehow fell asleep.

I have an appointment to have the port checked tomorrow morning. Hopefully I can keep my anxiety at bay until then. They will most likely confirm everything is fine and I'm going to ask questions about the things that have been worrying me.

Not too bad

It's Monday morning, now four days after my first chemo treatment. I never got very sick this weekend. Besides a couple small things, the biggest side effect seemed to be how tired I was yesterday. I woke up at 8am, but fell asleep on the couch for quite awhile during the day and just generally felt run down. In general, I didn't feel too nauseous which is good. I am supposed to take my nausea medicine for the first three days after chemo and then only as needed. So far I haven't taken it today, and I'm hoping I won't need to. I'm wondering if it will take another treatment or two before I really feel the side effects or if maybe this is a good sign that I'm going to be luckier than most. I still can't believe some of the swelling on my neck has already gone down. It's a nice visual confirmation that the chemo is working, even this early on.

One thing I did struggle with all weekend was pain and just being uncomfortable. I don't think it was from the chemo though. I have a herniated disc in my upper back, which I always am in a constant struggle with to be comfortable. I also noticed the spot where the bone marrow biopsy took place also hurts still and sitting or lying in different positions seem to make the pain more noticeable. I think it even radiates out from there to other areas depending on what I'm doing.

I also felt a little depressed at times yesterday. Nothing major, just an overall sad feeling of the "why is this happening" and "I don't know if I can handle this" variety. I'm trying to remain as positive and optimistic as I can, but I'm sure I'll have more days like that.

Today is going to be a gorgeous day outside it seems. If I feel up to it, which I think I will, I'm going to pick up some groceries and just try to be out while I can. I'm worried that once my white blood cell count drops in a few days, I'm going to be stuck at home alone all summer avoiding germs in the hopes that I don't get sick.

Waiting for the sickness to start

Since getting my first treatment on Thursday, I've been waiting for the sickness to come. So far, it really hasn't. I suspect it may take another treatment or two before I really feel anything. Yesterday I had some feeling of nausea but nothing major. Eating actually helped it go away. I haven't felt very tired yet either, at least not any more than usual. Today, which is the day I expected to really start feeling sick, hasn't been bad. I actually noticed in the mirror that the lump in my neck has already gotten a bit smaller. The doctor said I would see it start to go down pretty fast, within the first week even, but I didn't expect to see it shrinking only two days in.

I still feel a little bit of pain from the port they put in, but pretty much only when I bend my arm or neck certain ways. So far, things are going pretty smoothly, but I can't help but wonder when that will change.

I did get some bad news yesterday from the job I was hoping to get. Basically they loved me and really wanted to hire me but couldn't pay me what I asked for. That sucks, but I guess that gives me more time right now to focus on getting better. It was probably meant to be.